AN EVENING WITH LISA LAMPA-HOOHA

Beware - The following post contains material that may be offensive to some readers

Last night Fettit and I went to see Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean, the Insult Comic, Lisa Lampanelli at the Celebity Theater here in Phoenix.

We started the evening with a couple of cocktails at Josh and Steven’s house and were joined by Ray and Mark, and then we all rode together in one vehicle.

As we entered the building, about an hour before the show’s scheduled start time, we were told Lisa was in the theater doing a meet and greet and signing autographs. So we got in line and ordered drinks prior to going into the theater.

After recovering from the cocktail sticker shock(the drinks were something like $425), we headed into the theater to find our seats, and to possibly get a glimpse of the Lisa...who wasn’t difficult to find. She was sitting at a table at the end of a “buy my crap” line. On the wall above her there were baseball caps, girly t-shirts and g-strings. People were taking pictures and talking with her as they filed past.

We made our way over to her and stood observing about 5 feet from her. After a few minutes, and cocktail emboldened, I decided to approach, but the “buy my crap line” was too long and I didn’t want to stand in it. A second later, I realized that there was no one near her, so I made my move. Instead of going to the end of the line I just walked straight up to her and as I was approaching she immediately started with the “here come the queers lines.”

I introduced myself and told her how much I enjoyed her and she started spouting off the "queer this and big girl that" comments.

I told her that we play her video at parties and get-togethers to which she mentioned something about the homos loving her and then I told her that I went online some months back and requested she come to Phoenix. To this she snidely yelled, “So it’s your fault I am here in Phoenix.”

I told her the weather is perfect today and she smiled and agreed about the weather, and called me a fucking homo. I then asked her if she was staying for the weekend and she barked, "Are you fucking kiddin me... I'm outta here is three hours."

Sensing my time was limited, I thanked her for coming, kissed her on the cheek and walked away. Well actually, I would have stayed and talked to her longer, but her security guard thought I was stalking her and he escorted me away from her.

It wasn’t like there was anyone immediately behind me waiting for an autograph or anything.

Afterwards I regretted not taking a photograph with her to post here (just like I forgot to do when I met Rosie O'Donnell). My friends encouraged me to go back and get one, but the moment had passed - it didn't feel organic. Instead I stewed about it until I got my second $375 cocktail.

The show started 30 minutes late and there were two female comics who opened the show. They weren’t very memorable so I can't tell you either of their names.

The first one did a couple of funny Home Depot/Black and Decker/softball/lesbian jokes.

All I remember about the second one was her ugly dress.

Then Lisa came out and started with her familiar humor. Through the evening she maligned the Mexicans and berated the blacks. She bashed the old bastards, criticized the cripples, and enflamed the faggots (rattling off an endless list of gay monikers). Leaving no stone unturned, or ethnic, religious, or sexual abomination untouched, she harassed the Hebes, carped about cunts and assaulted Asians and Arabs. No one was off-limits and no subject taboo.

She slammed television-titan Oprah, telling the crowd it was time she just “licked Gail.” She also ranted about the oral sex, uncircumsized penises, sex with black men, and the celebrity roasts for Pamela Anderson and Flavor Flav.

At one point she was in the audience talking to a “white devil” when some guy behind her tried lifting up her dress. Staying in control, she soundly beat the guy with her microphone and continued on like nothing had happened.

She did not disappoint - she was offensive and loud and just what the crowd came to see. I’d go see her again and again.

I will end now with one of her jokes…

A little boy is in the bathtub with his little sister and he asks his father, “What is that between her legs?” To which the father replies, “That is where the angel split her with the golden ax.”

Astonished, the little boy says, “Wow... he must have perfect aim because he hit her right in the cunt.”

THE END!

TONIGHT IN PHOENIX - LISA LAMPANELLI

Tonight a group of us are going to see "The Insult Comic" Lisa Lampanelli at the Celebrity Theater here is Phoenix. This woman is too damn funny. Watch this short video of her if you are not easily offended and can take a funny joke or two.

I previously mentioned Lisa Lampanelli back on September 10th, 2007. She cracks me up and we watch the DVD of her show everytime someone comes over who hasn't seen it, hell, we've taken it to Josh and Steven's twice so they could show it to people.

That is how funny she is!

WHITE HOUSE REALITY-LIVE

I just received the strangest telephone call. I still can’t wrap my head around it but the conversation that followed was both bizarre and intriguing and I couldn’t wait to write about it before I forgot what was said.

It was close to 10pm and my brother and his partner had just left after an enjoyable evening of good food, wine and Lisa Lampanelli, when my telephone rang. I rarely answer the phone this late, but I thought I recognized the number within the Los Angeles area code so I answered.

When I picked up and said, “Hello,’ the person on the other end of the line started talking so fast that I could barely understand him. I hesitated and he said something unintelligible and then “are you there? Did I wake you?”

I didn’t recognize the voice but I said, “No, I’m here, just getting ready to hit the sack. What’s up?”

“What’s up? What’s up? He went for it,” he excitedly exclaimed. “Can you fucking believe it? He completely trusts me and has agreed to do the show.”

At this point I was sure I didn’t know the voice or person, but decided to play along so I asked, “Who went for what?”

“George! George Fuckin W. Bush, you idiot, that’s who,” the stranger replied. “The show is a go. It took me a long time to get him to commit, but I told him that people would see him as just another average Joe, who eats, drinks, shits and cries, just like them, but what I think convinced him was when I told him he would come out of it favorably and that it would add to his approval rating. Once I said that he didn’t skip a beat. He wants to start as soon as possible, possibly as soon as October 1st. He has agreed to initially let us film for six weeks and then if all goes well he has agreed to a total of six months. Do you think you can get a crew together immediately? Can we can have the White House set up by the first of October? We may even get a time slot and get on the air for November sweeps. Can you say Cha-ching?”

Not certain what to say, I told him it would be tight but it might me doable. “Sounds fantastic, so what’s the plan though, what are you thinking,” I asked?

“Well, he is not immediately telling Condi Rice but needs our assurance that we not show her with her girlfriend. ‘You know how adamant we have been against the gays.’ I was taken aback by that but tried not to show my surprise. He also doesn’t think that Cheney would approve, and since he isn’t around much anymore, he isn’t going to tell him either. I told him we would start getting the White House wired and cameras mounted on the walls ASAP. It will need to be done in the evening and initially he is telling his staff the cameras and the crew are for a documentary to be shown at his presidential library once he leaves office.”

“He really loves the idea and he is such a nice guy. He is a bit of a ham though, ya know? Laura was apprehensive but the president was able to convince her. She doesn’t want the American people to know her little secret so I have assured him that we will have it put in the contract that she will not be filmed with a cigarette in her hand, or anyone smoking near her.”

“He also said that his elderly parents would have to be shown respect. He doesn’t want his mother portrayed as a boozing, over powering, ball busting shrew, and he was adamant that she never be filmed without her teeth.

He also asked that his father not be filmed with Bill Clinton. He told me, off the record, that his dad and Bill spend far too much time together and although he isn’t jealous, he isn’t comfortable with their closeness.”

“And what about the twins, “ I asked, attempting to choke back a chuckle.

“He didn’t seem too concerned about little Barbara at all, he told me she is never around. I guess she spends all of her time in Amsterdam, hanging out in cafes. He told me she is a chip off the ol block. As for Jenna… well… she is going to be a problem. You know she is engaged, right?”

“Yeah,” I laughed.

“What no one knows is that she is 6 months pregnant and is showing.”

I started to laugh.

“Stop laughing…the president has insisted that we not film her, or if that isn't possible, we must agree that we show her only from the chest up. Laura is a little embarrassed but not the president. He loves his girls and he even hinted around that he got a couple of co-eds knocked up at Yale but that his dad had it all taken care of and hushed up. Just like his DUI and drug problems,” he added.

At this point, I could hardly control myself. I had my hand covering the receiver and I was laughing my ass off.

“Call me in the morning so we can discuss this some more, okay” he asked. “We have a lot to get done in a very short amount of time. I want to get this started without the media catching wind.”

“I’ll call ya tomorrow,” I promised. “And don’t worry about the media. I’m sure we can get in and out of the White House without them ever catching on…night.”

I then hung up the phone and wondered what had just happened.

CAN WE LAUGH AT OURSELVES?

Tonight on The David Letterman Show Dave asked the audience if anyone had bought the new Rosie O'Donnell book (Celebrity Detox). No one clapped (the book doesn't come out until October 9th).

He then went on to say that the book contained three chapters on Bush.... and one on the President.

I laughed out loud. I hope not to offend my lesbian readers but funny is funny! I like gay humor.

You know.. like the OLDIE But GOODIE:

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous!"

I like humor that is pointed at a group and then exaggerates the hell out of the stereotypes associated with that group. Most humor is that way to some degree but in this age of political correctness we feel like we aren't evolved if we laugh at jokes that target a particular group, whether it be lesbians, gays, latins, blacks, jews, blondes, polish, etc, etc.

Growing up my mother's best friend was polish. She told the funniest "polack" jokes. We loved Chuchi (sp) Connie and her jokes and they didn't turn us into "polack bashers."

Over Labor Day weekend I was in a bar in Philadelphia. It was a very mixed bar. There were latins, blacks, gays, asians, you name it. On the television was a video of a comedian I had never seen - Lisa Lampanelli - and she is called "Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean" because no one is safe from her jokes and there are few limits.

She claims to have a black boyfriend and loves black men, but lovingly trashes them along with everyone else. She picked out a asian man, a hispanic man, a black man, a jewish man and two guys she called fags throughout the night. No one was off limits, not even handicapped people, as she made comments to each of them playing to the typical age old stereotypes.

She was hilarious.

The next day I went to Amazon.com and purchased the video and had it shipped to my house. This past Friday we had guests over for drinks and I played the video for them. We all laughed our asses off, but it got me wondering.

Can we laugh at ourselves and the litany of stereotypes associated with each of us?

The group of friends I had over were slightly representative of the groups she tore into on the video. We had white, latin, gay and functionally handicapped (although everyone just thinks he is drunk). No one was offended by Lisa's routine.

I often hear black comedians making black jokes and hispanic comedians making fun of their latin families. God knows gay comics make gay jokes, but what about a white woman making black, latino, asian, gay, handicapped and geriatric jokes? Do we find it funny or do we look at this type of humor with disdain because it isn't politically correct. Have we lost our senses of humor? Or is it just not funny and hurts us?

A few nights before watching the Lisa Lampanelli video in Philadelphia my brother told me about seeing an Australian comedian in Scotland named Pam Ann. She dresses up in an flight attendant's uniform and makes airline and flight attendant jokes and she is beloved around the world by airline industry employees... okay, by the gays and flight attendants. I watched her myself and she was funny... funny making fun of people.

I challenge everyone to rent Lisa Lampanelli's "Take It Like A Man" video. Its irreverent and that's what we need these days - hell don't rent it, buy it (I think it was only $15) or are we so politically correct we Can't Laugh at Ourselves?

As a comedian, I'm hoping Rosie can laugh at herself and see the humor in David Letterman's joke.