Sunday, March 2, 2008


Beware - The following post contains material that may be offensive to some readers

Last night Fettit and I went to see Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean, the Insult Comic, Lisa Lampanelli at the Celebity Theater here in Phoenix.

We started the evening with a couple of cocktails at Josh and Steven’s house and were joined by Ray and Mark, and then we all rode together in one vehicle.

As we entered the building, about an hour before the show’s scheduled start time, we were told Lisa was in the theater doing a meet and greet and signing autographs. So we got in line and ordered drinks prior to going into the theater.

After recovering from the cocktail sticker shock(the drinks were something like $425), we headed into the theater to find our seats, and to possibly get a glimpse of the Lisa...who wasn’t difficult to find. She was sitting at a table at the end of a “buy my crap” line. On the wall above her there were baseball caps, girly t-shirts and g-strings. People were taking pictures and talking with her as they filed past.

We made our way over to her and stood observing about 5 feet from her. After a few minutes, and cocktail emboldened, I decided to approach, but the “buy my crap line” was too long and I didn’t want to stand in it. A second later, I realized that there was no one near her, so I made my move. Instead of going to the end of the line I just walked straight up to her and as I was approaching she immediately started with the “here come the queers lines.”

I introduced myself and told her how much I enjoyed her and she started spouting off the "queer this and big girl that" comments.

I told her that we play her video at parties and get-togethers to which she mentioned something about the homos loving her and then I told her that I went online some months back and requested she come to Phoenix. To this she snidely yelled, “So it’s your fault I am here in Phoenix.”

I told her the weather is perfect today and she smiled and agreed about the weather, and called me a fucking homo. I then asked her if she was staying for the weekend and she barked, "Are you fucking kiddin me... I'm outta here is three hours."

Sensing my time was limited, I thanked her for coming, kissed her on the cheek and walked away. Well actually, I would have stayed and talked to her longer, but her security guard thought I was stalking her and he escorted me away from her.

It wasn’t like there was anyone immediately behind me waiting for an autograph or anything.

Afterwards I regretted not taking a photograph with her to post here (just like I forgot to do when I met Rosie O'Donnell). My friends encouraged me to go back and get one, but the moment had passed - it didn't feel organic. Instead I stewed about it until I got my second $375 cocktail.

The show started 30 minutes late and there were two female comics who opened the show. They weren’t very memorable so I can't tell you either of their names.

The first one did a couple of funny Home Depot/Black and Decker/softball/lesbian jokes.

All I remember about the second one was her ugly dress.

Then Lisa came out and started with her familiar humor. Through the evening she maligned the Mexicans and berated the blacks. She bashed the old bastards, criticized the cripples, and enflamed the faggots (rattling off an endless list of gay monikers). Leaving no stone unturned, or ethnic, religious, or sexual abomination untouched, she harassed the Hebes, carped about cunts and assaulted Asians and Arabs. No one was off-limits and no subject taboo.

She slammed television-titan Oprah, telling the crowd it was time she just “licked Gail.” She also ranted about the oral sex, uncircumsized penises, sex with black men, and the celebrity roasts for Pamela Anderson and Flavor Flav.

At one point she was in the audience talking to a “white devil” when some guy behind her tried lifting up her dress. Staying in control, she soundly beat the guy with her microphone and continued on like nothing had happened.

She did not disappoint - she was offensive and loud and just what the crowd came to see. I’d go see her again and again.

I will end now with one of her jokes…

A little boy is in the bathtub with his little sister and he asks his father, “What is that between her legs?” To which the father replies, “That is where the angel split her with the golden ax.”

Astonished, the little boy says, “Wow... he must have perfect aim because he hit her right in the cunt.”



Kim said...

Sounds like a great night out...except the HUGE bar bill! Good gracious!

Anonymous said...

You're such a star fucker (or an almost star fucker)



Anonymous said...

Hmmm, But were there any retarted circumsised cripple black men with a bull dike asian lesbian cousin with a piercing in her CUNT at the show? I wonder how many of them are around?
Would love to see her live. Throw in some good toilet humor and I am soooo there!!! ISM
(Would have been there but someone needs to take care of our sick mother) Hope you enjoyed your night OUT.