REPUBLICAN

In response to President Obama’s planned speech to school age children set for next week across the country, a republican organization, The Right is Right, has invoked the “equal time rule,” and has disseminated pamphlets to the nation’s school superintendents (except those in California and Massachusetts), suggesting four alternatives to counter the president’s far reaching, left-leaning agenda. School districts are encouraged to pick from one option below to be held immediately following daily Morning Prayer:

Option One - All children are encouraged to watch the season premier of Dancing with the Stars and write an essay on the merits of Republican Tom Delay’s old-white-man foxtrot versus Afro-centric singer Macy Gray’s Samba.

Option Two – Actually two separate sessions – one for girls and one for boys:

-Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin presents a discussion on the importance of abstinence entitled “Everything I Taught Bristol and How To Learn From My Mistakes.” Governor Palin will also demonstrate how to “Woo Voters with a Wink and a Nod.”

-The boys’ session will be conducted by Virginia gubernatorial hopeful Bob McDonnell. He will instruct the boys on how to keep your bitch in her place, and explain why if you let her work outside the home, she will be indoctrinated into a life of bull-dykery.

Option Three - Students are encouraged to discuss the dire consequences of Obama Healthcare reform after viewing the new documentary entitled “A Foreign Born, Socialist Negro Wants to Kill Grandma and Sweet Crippled Aunt Gertie.” A strict dress code is enforced for this option: White sheets required.

Option Four – The final option is entitled “Earning your Wings” and consists of a field trip to the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe, Arizona. This session explains how through church fund raising and the assassination of the President of the United States, students can guarantee themselves a place in Heaven. Following a showing of the short film “Why Teddy and Queers Deserve Brain Cancer,” there will be a question and answer session. Light refreshments will be served during the raffle where one lucky attendee will win a one way greyhound bus ticket to the Washington DC, $50 spending money, a high powered rifle and 400 rounds of ammunition.

Interested parties are encourage to learn more, and obtain educational materials, from “The Right is Right” by calling toll-free 1-877-336-6887 (877-EFN-NUTS).